Sunday, April 3, 2011

What the ....?

Upfront I want to warn you that this post is not one of my happiest and it's pretty personal to me. I just feel like I want to write about how ridiculous life is sometimes. Also, this is a huge venting session.
So don't read on if you
A. don't really care about my life
B. you have better things to do than hear me whine
C. you love me too much to read about my pain
Here we go...The other night it was my friend's 25th birthday so obviously we went to Chuck E. Cheese's. We really didn't have any other options if you think about it. It ended up being me and 9 dudes. You'd think that would be great, right? Wrong. I'm pretty used to being the only girl with my boys, but that means that most of the time they forget I'm a girl and I hear, see, and smell things that I really don't want to.
Well, we were all loving life. The boys were swearing because they weren't winning the games or getting enough tickets. I kept telling them to stop because there were small children and to stop staring at the mom with huge fake boobs. I felt like the mama like I always do. I really do adore my boys with my whole heart.

Anyway, we were just hanging out hitting the machines when in walks someone who I haven't seen in over a year. It was my ex who pretty much ruined my heart and who I still think about. I really, honestly thought we were going to get married and he did too... for a while. Long story short, we broke up and I haven't dated anyone since. I think now I'm ready to, but for a while there boys were the last thing that I wanted to be around. I don't think I can explain the damage this break up did to me, and it's not very interesting/really pathetic so I'll just not even tell ya. He who shall not be named walked in with his new squeeze. My heart stopped and I told my friends that I thought I was going to puke. No one would drive me home so I had to stay there in what felt like the smallest area in the world. Me and that boy kept crossing paths, but not aknowledging each other. I asked my friends if I should say anything, but they were too busy racing to answer. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and went and talked to him. He was rude and we talked for only 46 seconds. He acted like it was the worst things that could have happened for us to run into each other. I walked away devestated and I felt broken hearted all over again. I'm glad I sucked it up and talked to him though, because I wanted to show him how strong I am. I had to watch him with his girlfriend for another hour. It was honestly torture. It may not seem like it would have been that bad, but when you love someone and they tell you they don't want to be with you, it doesn't really feel good. The whole time I kept thinking, "Who else would run into their ex at Chuck E. Chees on a Tuesday night? ONLY ME!"
I came home and cried for a few hours. Just thinking about how much I hate men and how much of a loser I am. My roommates and I had a boy bashing session and then I went to bed. I woke up with swollen eyes and couldn't even put in my contacts.
Now you're probably thinking how crazy I am, but there is a moral to this story. After a couple days I realized that I don't need someone in my life who didn't treat me well. He's not worth two seconds of my time because he was too dumb to see how amazing I am. There is someone out there who will take me for who I am; flaws and all. They will love me and adore me. I just have to wait for the Lord to bring him into my life. Until then, it is my job to become a woman who is worthy of being married for eternity to a man who will feel lucky to be with me even though I swear sometimes and cry all the time. It's been the hardest year and a half of my whole life. It seems like everything has hit me in the face. Things in all areas of my life have been hard, but now looking back I see that I have grown more than I ever thought I could. I am a very different person than I used to be and it's a good thing for the most part. I have learned how amazing my friends are and that my parents pretty much know everything. I know sometimes they get frustrated that I am a lot more quiet than I used to be, but I just try really hard to think before I act or say anything because I don't want to hurt people the way that I've been hurt.
Don't feel bad for me. I am a sensitive soul, but I'm resiliant. This path has been long and painful, but I can now say that I'm ok. Somedays better, somedays worse. But on the heels of our greatest trials come the most amazing blessings.


  1. Jolene I love you. And I hate he that must not be named. I throw rocks at him in my mind. You deserve someone as awesome as you are. Love you forever. :)

  2. Bug hugs Jolene! I also hate he who must not be named. And I've never even met him! I don't like anyone that doesn't treat my family like royalty!! Wonderful things are going to come your way -- I just know it!